I’ve been confronted with this questions for a while…
In my younger days, I was known for my honesty. By the time I was nineteen, I was a bit out of control. It kinda gave me a bad reputation. Strange to think about that time now cause that person who I once was no longer exists. I’ve learned that being honest isn’t always the best thing to do. It hurt people’s feelings and it made me a horrible person. I liked saying what was on my mind, but growing up I was starting to see the danger in it.
And so in my early twenties I began to control what I said. By my mid-twenties I controlled everything I said a little too well that I began to no longer be honest with myself. A friend that I met a few years ago told my last year, “Monica, you edit everything that you say that you lie to yourself.” Which was so true. I put the honest side of my personality away so much that it was causing me to become a different person.
Now I am discovering that I went too far with not being truthful when it comes to expressing my heart. I rather just smile and deal with what I have to deal with or just let it pass. This method has worked for the past few years, but just recently I’ve been haunted by my dreams.
I strongly believe that dreams speak to us. I’ve discover that in my dreams I can not lie to myself. The past year, every night I dream that I am in a bathrobe trying to find some privacy to take a shower. Everyone from my work place seems to show up and interprets me. I try to get away from them as I am awkwardly nude under my bathrobe. Now my dream book says many things about this subject, but some lines that stand out to me are ” masking feelings of our real emotions with in everyday life” and “revealing one’s true nature.” I’ve often felt guilty for having dreams, therefore I don’t share them as often as I should. Or I don’t express how I really feel when it comes to relationships.
Honesty has made my life complicated in the past. After all, the first line in my short film was, “honesty made two lovers enemies.” I remember I was talking to my friend after knowing him for three-years about when we first met. He told me that I sent him a message once that freaked him out. I asked why and he told me why. I then said, “OOOhhh, I didn’t mean that at all, in fact I thought I was making things less awkward by being honest.” The truth was, I wasn’t being TOTALLY honest which lead to his misunderstanding. Well, I wish I could say that this type of misunderstanding has happened to me once but in fact not so.
So where is that line of honesty? I have no idea. But I know I have to exercise it, other wise I might just lose myself. A goal I have set for 2011 is to be honest to myself and others. So I’ve ruined some relationships in the past because of my lack of honesty, its okay. I guess they were destined to fail the moment I couldn’t be honest.
So I ask you, “Honesty, how do you do it?”