Reading my blog is like having a cup of coffee or tea with me. I would be shy to listen to this audio blog with you but I’m pretending no one is listening so I can be open. I know sharing my journey and being honest can help others..actually expressing my thoughts is helping me.
Here is Monday morning.
Last night, I drank this latte in Pasadena and I couldn’t go to sleep after that. It was 12 o’clock and I was still awake, and this latte started to make me feel delusional as if I had drank alcohol or something. When I woke up I had less than 15 minutes to get to work. So I tried to make myself presentable and ran out the door.
Maybe I’m blaming it too much on the latte but I woke up feeling lost, like I didn’t know what I was doing. I couldn’t seem to find a deep thought happening. I usually wake up with this profound thought, and I’m so use to that. Today, when I woke up.. thinking nothing, I got to my desk and felt like I didn’t have a creative bone in my body. So I did mechanical work. I did burning of DVDs, scheduling, prepping things and getting things ready. I even did a tutorial cause I couldn’t – I couldn’t get it out of me.
I remembered a quote from proverbs, or somewhere, I tried looking that up and I couldn’t find it. A quote in the bible about, “The beginning to wisdom is realizing you know nothing at all.” And I felt like I didn’t know anything. And I thought of, “What can I write on my blog.” I hadn’t written anything deep or subjective in a while, everything was kinda.. I just felt like I was being a know it all which this morning I woke up not feeling that way, woke up feeling like I knew nothing at all. What can I give?
Maybe its because I’m in the middle of this transition to – go to that next level in creativity. And I am starting at the bottom. I don’t know what I am doing. And I’m having these conversations with people who do know what they are doing and its so inspiring, I love talking to them but I can’t help but feel like I know nothing at all.
But this is good right? This is growth? That means that.. It’s the beginning to grow. It’s the struggling part. it’s the chicken in the egg trying to come out of that shell. it’s the – butterfly coming out of the cocoon, right? It’s the girl, the video editor girl, use to 30 second videos, trying to learn the art of telling the story in a medium that’s usually 90 minutes or more.
And then the adventure of Canada its self. It is brave people are telling me. I guess I don’t know what else to do. Keep on living life comfortable? Or struggle to come out of the egg-shell right? I know the pay off will be well worth it. In ten years from now, maybe I’ll listen to this audio bite and remember the beginning feeling of growing in to a new “planet”, I guess.
I mean I sure hope this feeling passes. And maybe, the more books i read or the people I talk to who do it -I will feel a little bit better. That I wont feel so lost.
5 Trust in the LORD with all your heart
and lean not on your own understanding;
6 in all your ways submit to him,
and he will make your paths straight.