Youth or Reality?


I admit, I held on to my childhood as long as I could. It’s been a struggle allowing myself to growing up and now I have entered in the phase called aging. I still see myself as a young lady, although you have to be over 50 to refer to me as such. I often get the question if I have children, I think to myself, “Do I look old enough to have children?!” *Crying emoji.

I am now understanding why make-up was invited, I am noticing my face change and often wonder if there is anything I can do to prevent my fate. How do I stop time? It took me years to find myself beautiful, and now its fading away right before my eyes. I should have been more thankful when I was a teenager, instead of being worried about pimples. 

I am a deep creative, I shouldn’t care or spend time on such shallow things. As a person whose twenties was documented on social media, I can scroll through my profile photos and witness the camera get further and further away.

I am a sucker for looking at the past with the soft filter on.

2001, The world was changing, America had faced a turning point and I, myself was facing my own end of the world moment. I had been dumped by a boy who I thought I would spend my life with. He was the one who told me my dreams were impossible, and now he was no longer in my life to talk me out of being who I wanted to become. I was left alone with my faith in God, a few friends, and my art. I went to college because there was nothing else to do. The plan was to get married and have children right after high school, since I had no potential future husbands in line, I went to college to become a junk mail graphic designer. It wasn’t until I started to believe what God said, “All things are possible for those who believe” did my life turn into something better than I could have planned.

I often took the song lyric from Creep by Radiohead pretty seriously in my twenties to help me make any major decisions.

The line, “What the hell am I doing here? I don’t belong here” was my compass. I often felt out-of-place, so feeling in place was very noticeable.

When I got my first professional job as an intern with Warner Brother, I was asked what I wanted to do after the program. I knew I didn’t belong with the department as a graphic designer, so I told them I was going back to school to become an editor.  When I moved to Australia to edit with Hillsong, I often grew home sick. I would answer the Radiohead song, “Yes. God sent me, I belong here.” It was only when the job fell through did I take that as a sign to go back home. When I moved back to California it took me months to figure out the next step. I would cry out to God kicking and screaming that I don’t belong in San Bernardino. When I was going to move to Vancouver, I sat in the coffee shop realizing, it wasn’t the place for me. I had a life back home that was full of grace, I returned to my old job in a new position as the video department director. When I met this deep mysterious boy with long hair I had no idea if I belonged with him but knew I enjoyed his company. It was when he comforted me during a hard season, I knew he was who I belonged with.

Every obstacle, struggle, and victory is indeed worth the annoying lines on my face. I may be aging, for I always was, but it doesn’t mean I can’t keep my youthful heart that still believes, all things are possible.

What is God’s dream for me?

Sometimes I forget that I once had a specific dream, how hard it was to keep it alive and make it happen. The past few days, I’ve heard people tell me they want to do their dream job. I even asked one woman what her dream was, and she said, “I don’t know.” I guess we have heard do your dream job for so long, that some don’t know what that is, they just know they want it and unknowingly limit their life purpose to a job title.

At church, we are having a missionary conference. Hearing missionaries and entrepreneur speak, one thing they’ve all said, “I had no idea I would be doing this, and if I did, I would have ran.” As I listen to them I see they are living God’s dream for their life, each person’s story was unique, but had the similar journey of kicking and screaming when they were told to do something other than what was in their plan. We have no idea what the future holds, especially when we are so brave enough to say, “God do what You will.”

I know for me, when I was 19,  my dream job was to edit films. It was that vision that brought me to where I am now, thirteen years ago, my profession didn’t exist. My imagination did the best it could, but there had to come a time where I laid that vision down and pick up the plan of God. I knew I wanted to live a life of purpose that impacts other people to influence others. As I find myself in the 8th year of working at church, I ask myself why am I so passionate about it? Shouldn’t I be burnt out? Over it? Ready for something new? When I listen to what God is telling me through His peace, I know I am where I am supposed to be.

When I was in Canada about to make the move, I suddenly realized, it wasn’t about my dream but God’s – that was the dream I wanted. That was the vision for my life I would run with. I know it’s so easy to say the script in your head, My dream job my dream job, but what if we thought about God’s dream for our lives? I often wonder what if I refused to lay down my will, where would I be? My imagination plays a movie of a rebellious girl trying to make things happen and is exhausted. Yesterday my pastor said, “God will come through for you, unless you’re in the wrong spot.”

We don’t know the future, might as well connect with the one who does, and who WANTS to do great and mighty things that will IMPACT the world in someway that doesn’t make sense to us at the moment, but when 70 years old looking back, it does.

That’s the dream I want to live.

Random or a Master Plan

DSCN6279Its summer time and I haven’t blog in a few weeks. Life at work has been busy and this week I’ve been on vacation. I usually would take this opportunity to travel overseas but I am suffering from the student loan crises of my generation. Of course I am working hard to overcome but its requiring sacrifice that has left me discouraged. I ran away to central California for a small time out. The interesting thing is I’m learning a lot about life here. I’m on my own, renting a room and have too much free time that I found myself eating dinner at the local park. No one should ever stay in an apartment for too long. Too easy to lose your mind

rs_560x415-130405113849-1024.Office.mh.040513The past few weeks I’ve been in a Netflix coma completing The Office. I have been a fan from the start, and nine years later watching the last season made me realize why I enjoyed it so much. I find it funny because I totally relate to adults trying to figure life out. Doubting their journey, doubting their decisions, fearing the unknown, staying with the familiar. The Office captures American Culture from the 2000’s perfectly. The recession, the dreams and reality of adulthood. I imagine the writers behind these shows struggling with the same things their characters did. Who knew it would end with such a profound thought.
“It all seems so arbitrary, I applied for a job at this company because they were hiring I took a desk in the back because it was empty, but no matter how you get there or where you end up human beings have this miraculous gift to make that place home.”
Cred, The Office.

Before my trip I was asking myself a question:
Is life random or is there a master design plan? My common sense brain says random but when I look back at my life, its as if it was designed. At those moment of feeling lost, I know I can trust in Him with my journey and when I’m 80 years old looking back, I can share my life story as a beautiful tail, and transform every challenge into the victory that changed my destiny.

As an editor by nature, I am learning its okay to not have everything figured out, some how the story always comes together by stepping back to reflect and paying attention to the small details.

There’s a lot of beautiful in ordinary things. – Pam, The Office